The Power of Platonic Love

The Power of Platonic Love

Self-improvement can be a bit doom and gloom at times, looking at how the mind and brain might be letting us down. But what about what lights us up? One of our greatest superpowers is the power of platonic love. We often, much to the push of mainstream media and family pressure enter a life-long frantic search for romantic love.

Which, don’t get me wrong I am a top rom-com fan and an elderly couple on the street is sure to reduce me to tears. However, a 2005 Australian Longitudinal study showed that it was not strong ties with family that impacted a persons’ mortality rate, but those with close friendship ties. Those people with a network of strong friendships tended to outlive those with the fewest by 22%.

While we think we can’t measure true love, social capital which is a topic of behavioural economics in fact measures an individual’s pool of social resources. A study showed that friendship, in terms of intensity (the frequency we see our friends) and quality (measured by the satisfaction) increases your level of life satisfaction. Not only that but a paper used a shadow pricing method to estimate the monetary value of this satisfaction with life gained by increasing your frequency in seeing friends (with high quality). Next time you think you can’t measure you and your best friends bond – it in fact has a hefty £85,000 price tag.

Conversely on the flip side, a relative lack of social ties is associated with depression and increased mortality. Research which examined data from 309,000 people, found that the lack of social ties increased the risk of premature death from all causes by 50%. This roughly translates to smoking 15 cigarettes a day.

The power of friends £85,000 a year, without 5,475 cigarettes a year. Creates a strong picture for gratitude work.

Superpower strength

I met what I deem to be my ‘home’ friends when I was in Secondary school. We were a team of 9, each with our own different personalities but with the same underlying values. An important aspect of any relationship. You do not need to be ‘one and the same’. In fact, myself and my best friend would joke that she was the shark and I was the turtle, as we had such opposite personalities. She exuded feminine flair, where I was probably tripping up and being an awkward turtle. However, it is the core values that always held us together through the years.

My family home was not always stable, but my chosen family kept me rooted. We were not without our typical teenage drama. Silly arguments over boys, underage drinking and I remember one particularly hilarious argument over who got to purchase a jumper from Bershka as it would have been utter despair if both wore the jumper at the same time. But it was mostly laughs, memories and most importantly a sense of belonging.

In her book ‘Belonging: Remembering Ourselves Home’ Toko-pa Turner sees the absence of belonging as being one of the greatest wounds. In a world where we are more connected than ever, we have become disconnected from that sense of community and social ties. It is this that is leading us to one of the greatest Mental health pandemics. It is not about placing your belonging outside of you. It is understanding that you must come home to yourself first, feel that you belong and are worthy. In doing so that spreads to your community. Your light transcends to others around you.

I began plotting my escape from Dublin around the age of 16. I had mood-boards of Universities in London stuck on silver paper, alongside the typical London sights. I failed to stick the pricetag of an ‘cross-country’ education. Low and behold I also had a bank account that couldn’t afford such an escape. Particularly when University was technically ‘free’ (although free is a bit of a stretch of the word) in Dublin, versus a few extra £0s to move to London. The escape was therefore postponed for another seven years. It was their love that always offered me a sense of confidence no matter how far I moved, including the times I would head off travelling alone. The confidence of that superpower of love meant that I knew I was never really alone. I belonged.

There was a time though where I lost my home in myself. Even then it was the home I felt in my friends that helped guide me back. That is the true power of Platonic Love. They offer out the unconditional love of the friendship flashlight. For the times you can’t see the true beauty of who you are they shine the light for you to find your way.

Unconditional Love

The superpower comes from that unconditional love. The lack of expectations, the knowing that we are not flawless friends, but the love remains regardless. An ego-centred network can focus on growing social ties, but where their social capital may increase their life satisfaction will remain the same. There is the important aspect of quality. How can we feel we belong if it only if you meet certain expectations. To belong is to welcome all parts of you. Both within self and within the community of friendships.

We can get caught up in our narratives that we hold in friendship. I felt for a long time I had to be the happy-go-lucky one. I was unable to say when I felt down, as it was a contradiction to the narrative.

I have another blog upcoming on Friendship Grief but here I wanted to focus in on the Power of Platonic Love. When I went through a breakup. The epic one, where it feels like your heart is in fact breaking. It was their love that uplifted me. The friends that see your snotty, crying face and love you anyway. The friends that see you at the height of your success and cheer you on the loudest. It is this vulnerability that actually helps us tackle environmental stressors. It has been shown that women in particular have a different physical and biochemical reaction to stressors. Rather than the “fight or flight” response they move to “tend and befriend” which is linked to a ventral vega state. In this state we feel safe and decreases our automatic defensive responses.

As it all comes down to, there is not Self without Community. We all mirror each other in this world. Unconditional love creates the space to show up as at our messiest and now that we are loved and supported regardless. It becomes your root, in times that you feel the world around you is shaking you to its core. Your friends can hold you up. That is the greatest superpower. To be constantly chosen. To be loved. To belong.

Every morning when I wake I begin my Gratitude list and without fail:

I am grateful for the love and support of my Friends.

A big shout out to the my flashlight friends thank you for always guiding me. I love you dearly.